Stripping Away The Barriers
by OnceInALifetime
Summary: I just... I can't live the rest of my life like this." What happened after those words? A missing 'Nuke' moment for the Christmas episode.


**Summary - **_**I just... I can't live the rest of my life like this."**_**What happened after those words? A missing moment for the Christmas episode that takes immediately after the 'gifts for the senses' scene, and therefore spoils it.**

**Notes – I meant to post this on after the Christmas episode, but I guess I forgot. It's kind of overdue, but I hope you like it anyways. **

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"I just… I can't live the rest of my life like this." Noah took a deep, audible breath, keeping his head lowered. "I can't… I just can't." The sentence was lacking, but Luke knew his boyfriend like no one else, and he could hear the emotions in those few words.

"Noah, you aren't going to have to live like this forever." Luke gently set the CD down beside him before slowly, slowly reaching out and placing his hand over Noah's. He glanced up to see Noah's face harden momentarily, his shoulders tensing at the contact. Luke was preparing to pull away when Noah's body relaxed, and he turned his hand over so that it was palm up; Luke acted quickly, twining their fingers together in the most intimate contact they'd had since their hug in the kitchen.

Noah didn't protest the action, and Luke found himself swallowing hard to push back the rising emotional lump in his throat; a combination of the pain of being almost rejected again, the love swelling through him for his boyfriend, and the almost desperate need to cling to this moment, cling to it and never let go.

Noah stayed silent, staring absently off over Luke's shoulder. Luke blinked once before dragging up what was left of his over-used optimism and pulling it over himself like a cloak. "No matter what, you're going to get through this," Luke continued, his voice as calm and low as if he was soothing a skittish colt. "_We_ are going to get through this," he corrected, unable to help the words from escaping.

"Damn it, Luke!" Noah's voice rose, more inflection in it then Luke had heard all night. "You don't… you don't understand." With that, all of the air seemed to escape Noah until his head was hanging and his hands were lying listlessly in his lap.

Luke tried to brace himself for it – really, he did – but the pain that shot through him with those words was worse then a bullet. He saw, visibly _saw_, Noah retreating into his shell, and began babbling desperately in hopes of to keeping him engaged.

"I know I don't understand exactly," he began, hoping he wasn't screwing this up even more, "but Noah, I know what it's like to feel so damn helpless, _all_ the time. I know what it's like to feel like you have no control over anything. And I know, I _know_ that's not the same as what you're going through." Luke chanced a glance up, frowning slightly when he saw that Noah hadn't moved, hadn't reacted at all. "But please don't say that you can't live like this." Luke had no idea he'd intended to say the words until they were already in the open. "Please don't give up."

As soon as he finished, Luke discarded his cloak of optimism for one of armour, hoping to deflect whatever blow Noah was going to send his way. It was inevitable, but whatever it was, Luke was going to take it without question; he'd overstepped his boundaries with his pleading, and he knew it. Noah was handling being blind the only way he knew how, and Luke had made a vow to himself after the accident that he wasn't going to push Noah into feeling how Luke _wanted_ him to feel.

Luke bent his head forwards and crossed his arms over his chest, a physical defence for the stinging words he knew were bound to come. Instead, he felt Noah's presence shift _towards_ him.

Luke lifted his head just in time to see Noah's hands rising off his lap, trembling ever-so-slightly. He held his breath when Noah's hands moved to carefully cup his face; when Noah's hands finally made contact with his skin, all of Luke's breath left his body in a shaky exhale.

Scared to move in case he shattered the moment between them, Luke fixed his eyes greedily on Noah's face, drinking in every detail. His hair, his skin, his eyes… _god_, his eyes. The deep, endless blue was a shade Luke had dreamt about, but no dream could ever do Noah justice.

Luke couldn't help the gasp that fled through his parted lips when Noah's fingers began ghosting across his face, touching with unfamiliar familiarity. The touch was one Luke had felt thousands of times, but the emotion behind the caresses was new, and Noah's fingers left a tingling trail wherever they went.

"You don't understand, Luke," Noah repeated, his fingers never halting their movements. After a few moments, it dawned on Luke that there was a method to Noah's touching. His fingers had started at his forehead, brushing his hair, and were slowly trailing down and across his face… exploring, almost.

"Then explain it to me," Luke replied, unable to help the waver that accompanied the words. "Please, Noah… let me in. Please." The words were desperate, even to an observer. To his horror and mortification, Luke felt wetness building behind his eyes. He squeezed them together, but not quickly enough; a lone tear still broke free, trailing down his face and brushing Noah's thumb on its descent.

The drop of liquid caused Noah to stop his movements, although he didn't remove his hands from Luke's face. After a long, tense moment, his thumbs traveled up to under Luke's eyes, wiping gently. The sudden, unexpectedly intimate gesture caused a small noise to force its way out of Luke. He immediately bit his lip to silence himself and opened his eyes, staring over Noah's shoulder; forcing himself to _not look_ at Noah, to _not_ cry.

"You're crying." It wasn't a question, but a statement, said with a monotonous tone flecked with a hint of _something_. What that something was, Luke wasn't sure, but he knew it was there, behind Noah's stoic façade. "Why?"

"Honestly, Noah?" Luke asked, bringing his hands up to rest on Noah's wrists. To his eternal gratefulness, Noah didn't move his hands away; instead, he hesitated before nodding once, his face schooled into impassiveness.

"When I saw you walk into the living room… _god_, Noah," Luke whispered. "I've missed you so, so much, and it was like… I can't even explain it. All the worry I've been carrying around, the fear – it just disappeared for one moment. For that moment, all I could see was you." Luke's thumb had slipped to Noah's wrist; he could feel the pulse thrumming gently beneath the expanse of skin. "But then, reality came back and hit me, and I remembered. You… you lost everything, and you resent me for it."

Noah opened his mouth to speak, a spark of that something flashing across his face too briefly, but Luke lifted a hand off of Noah's wrist to press to his lips, silencing him. "Please baby, let me finish." Luke winced the moment the pet name slipped out, but Noah didn't react besides a slight twist of his mouth – Luke couldn't tell if it was meant to be a smile or a grimace.

"I know you're dealing with more than I could ever even begin to imagine. Believe me, I know that." Luke took a deep breath before adding, "And I know part of you blames me for that… hates me for that. But Noah, I know part of you loves me, too." Another deep breath. "I love you, Noah. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you asked for the truth. So here it is. I love you; I'm always going to love you, and it kills me that I can't help you." _That you don't want my help._ "I'm crying because… because I wish you could let me in, but I know you can't, but that wanting… it's still there. And I know that doesn't make sense, but it's the truth."

Luke paused, flushing as he realized that (again), he'd talked far longer than he'd meant to. Noah's fingers moved slightly on his cheek, and he abruptly realized that Noah would be able to feel Luke's skin heating up. It had offhandedly occurred to him midway through his monologue that he should be uncomfortable with spilling his heart out to Noah while Noah's hands were still caressing his face, but he wasn't. It felt _right_, more right than anything else had since Noah had left for the clinic.

Luke was so lost wallowing in his combination of mortification and _stupid_ hopefulness that it took him a moment to realize Noah was talking. Once he did, however, every cell in his body went on red alert, drinking in whatever his boyfriend was about to say.

"I can't live like this," Noah repeated simply. Luke was about to stand up, to get a drink and some cold air before he said the wrong thing, but to his shock, Noah continued. "It's not just, just the… vision." Noah choked over the words. "It's the fact that I love you too, Luke." A part of Luke's heart that had been locked away since the accident unclenched at the words. "I'm so confused about so many things, including us, but I know that I love you. I just don't know if that's enough." Just like that, Luke's heart clenched up again before dropping into his stomach.

"Shh," Noah murmured, just as Luke opened his mouth to reply. Luke widened his eyes in surprise. and a noise oddly resembling a chuckle emerged from Noah. "I can feel your facial muscles tensing, and I know you," he said as a way of explanation. Luke nodded once, just the slightest tilt of his head, giving Noah silent permission to continue.

"You know what the worst part is?" Noah asked, picking the conversation up where they left off. Luke went to shake his head, but hoarsely whispered, "No," at the last moment instead.

"Not being able to see you." The statement seemed to suck all of Noah's energy out of him for a brief moment; his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. "There's so many things I miss seeing – leaves, the sky, snowflakes… the little things, you know? But not being able to see you…" Noah paused, seemingly gathering his thoughts. "Luke, it's hell," he said simply. "I'm upset, and confused, and there are so many things I should want to do more than to be able to see you…. like finishing my movie."

"Noah, you don't have to explain," Luke cut him off, suddenly afraid that he might not be able to take what was coming next.

"I do," Noah replied, his voice a lot softer than Luke had expected it to be. Maybe it was the effects of Christmas, but Noah was here, touching him, willing to talk to him. Luke didn't know what had inspired the change, but he had no desire to question it.

"When I'm lying in bed at night at the clinic," Noah murmured, his voice low, "trying to fall asleep on the scratchy sheets, I'm not trying to remember what looking through a camera lens is like. I'm trying to remember _you_. I'm trying to remember if your lips," here, Noah dragged a finger across them gently, sending involuntary sparks shooting up Luke's spine, "are more red or pink. I'm trying to remember if there are two freckles or three on your temple. I'm trying to remember your smile. I'm trying to remember _you_."

Luke wanted to reply, but he couldn't; he, the writer, couldn't find the words. Instead, he sat, enraptured, and listened to the first true insight Noah was giving him on their relationship since the accident.

"I have… I have this image of you in my mind." Noah's voice was merely a whisper, and Luke had to strain to hear it. "And I'm so sure that it's exactly right. But then I wonder… what if it's off? What if every day, you fade a little bit more until I can't remember at all? I don't want to forget you, Luke. Even if I'm still feeling… like _this_, towards you." _Resenting you, blaming you._ "I don't want to forget."

By now, Luke had tears building right back up, and to his shock, Noah's unmoving eyes were shining as well. Luke licked his lips, tasting the salt of tears on them, and found himself at a loss for words. His eyes flicked over Noah's face, registering each detail and storing it away. Before he realized what he was doing, his eyes were locked on Noah's lips and he was leaning forwards, close enough to feel Noah's warm breath ghost across his face.

For one wildly blissful moment, Luke thought Noah was going to let him kiss him. But he turned away at the last second, leaving Luke alone with nothing but air. Noah's hands were back in his lap, and Luke found that he missed the warmth of them on his face desperately.

For a long moment, the only sound in the room was breathing; vaguely, Luke could hear Faith, Natalie and Ethan laughing at something Holden had done, but he quickly tuned them out.

Staring at Noah's hands, an idea washed over Luke. Hoping he wasn't screwing things up even more than he already had, he carefully clasped Noah's hands in his smaller ones and brought them back up to his face, his palm to the back of Noah's hand.

Noah head rose, an instinctive reaction even though he couldn't see, looking confused. There was no more anger on his face, just weariness.

"You said you want to remember what I look like," Luke choked out. His eyes fluttered shut, and he suddenly feeling infinitely more vulnerable. "Remember." When Noah still looked confused, Luke moved their joined hands slightly across his face. "You don't have your sight, Noah, but you can still _feel_."

With that, Noah seemed to catch on. Luke let his eyes stay closed as Noah's hands tentatively explored his face; light strokes at first, barely brushing against his skin, but slowly gaining confidence. To Noah, the touch was necessary. To Luke, it was heaven, slowly healing the ache in his heart.

When a gentle thumb stroked across his lip, Luke did everything he could to keep his breathing even, to keep himself from reacting. When Noah's lips pressed against them, however, a touch so light and fleeting that Luke wondered if he was imagining it, Luke couldn't help his stuttering breath or soft moan.

Noah kept Luke's face cupped in his hands and stayed still, his lips not moving against Luke's, just resting. Luke tried to unsuccessfully fight the swell of emotion rising within him; ultimately, he succumbed to it. He resisted the urge to press himself to Noah, to deepen the kiss and to _hold_ his boyfriend. Instead, he held still and waited, allowing Noah to call the shots.

When he felt Noah's tongue hesitantly touch his bottom lip, Luke wasted no time at all in allowing him entry. They kissed, _truly_ kissed, the slow burn of contact warming Luke from the inside out.

All too soon, Noah broke away, breathing just as heavily as Luke was. He skimmed Luke's face one last time before removing his hands, folding them in his lap like a child would.

"Noah…" Luke began, so many questions on the tip of his tongue. _Are we okay? Do you want to be with me, still?_

"Luke, please." _Don't push it._ The silent words rang clear in the air, and Luke couldn't help the wave of disappointment that washed over him. It tasted heavy on his tongue, a bitter tang.

"I'm not saying never, Luke," Noah whispered, looking up. "I'm just saying, not right now. Okay?" Luke could read the emotions displayed so clearly on Noah's face, and realized what Noah was truly asking was, _"Give me time."_

"Okay," Luke whispered in reply. He stood up, watching as Noah cocked his head slightly to hear his movements better. Noah rose after him, and Luke instinctively reached to grab his hand, unthinking. Noah recoiled, and Luke was unable to help the pain that bolted through him.

"Noah!" Ethan's voice rang from the other room. "Come hee-ya! I wanna show you my presents!"

"I'm coming, Ethan," Noah yelled back, stepping around Luke and making his way into the kitchen. Luke found himself alone in the room, the moment between him and Noah gone like a whisper on the wind.

"It's going to get easier," he whispered to himself. "It _has_ to get easier. It will." With those uncertain words, Luke pasted a smile on his face and headed into the kitchen, the bittersweet moment one he knew he wasn't going to be able to forget.

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**I know this episode happened a while back, but I hope you enjoyed anyways! Feedback is always loved. **


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